To read this blog, you might think that we Team Two Wheeler's were oblivious to the Tour de France. And, blog-wise, you are right. We haven't done any TdF posts for this year, up until now. Here is your complete and total Tour de France re-cap right here. Everything you need to remember about the 2009 Tour de France when it is time to whip ourselves into a frenzy for next year's edition featuring Team Radio Shack and a resurgent Lance!
Tour Organization/Route - I give the ASO a solid B, but that is because I am a softy. They deserve credit for trying, even if they didn't get everything right. No radios for riders - dumb idea; we can't pretend that the world keeps moving ahead even if the French have a national passion for doing so. No time bonuses - I liked this, so that we didn't have stupid games the first week with sprinters "buying" their way into the Yellow jersey; it probably took something away from some mountain stages because it mattered less if you were 2nd or 6th in a group that got the same time, but overall this was reasonable. Team Time Trial - loved having it back even though I usually skip watching it; if you want to win the Tour, you have to show up with a team that can perform and this enforces that idea. I also liked that they just let the time stand, rather than artificially limiting the time between teams the way they did a few years ago. Route overall - hey, they tried. The idea was to leave the race unknown until the last week and potentially the last day. Mt. Ventoux was a bit anticlimactic, because the standings didn't change much, but that is because every one of the top ten did his job and held his place. It could have been much different if someone had a bad day; which would have been more likely with a few more mountains before Mt. Ventoux, but again - I give credit for trying. The downside was that some of the mid-first week until the end of the second week was completely miss-able, but frankly, even though I am slavishly devoted to the coverage, that is true almost every year. So, overall, enough time trialing, enough mountain top finishes to create gaps, and mountain base finishes to keep riders working, and a decent mix that wasn't afraid to try some next roads and mix up the direction. Lastly, loved the Monte Carlo start.
Versus Coverage - Wow, long-time readers expect me to launch into Craig Hummer, but honestly, I think you have to give the guy credit. He has improved. During the Tour of California I thought he was failing to hide a meth problem the way his mouth motored on and on and on and on, right past having anything to say or motoring over his elders with much more insight and experience. Now, I almost exclusively watched the morning coverage that had the Phil and Paul commentary, but what I saw of re-broadcasts made me think that Craig Hummer deserves credit for learning and growing. He still doesn't bring to the booth the obvious charisma of Kirsten Gum, but I may have to give up on that particular fading fantasy.
As for Bob, they seem to have gotten his medication almost perfect. He was able to spin some of those analogies and metaphors, but keep his head about him and do the job at hand. He still has his lips so firmly attached to Lance's kiester that you would think this is the most serious bro-mance ever, but Bob manages to do it with an impish charm that makes it work.
Phil and Paul are still the champs, but I think that they have moved into a new stage where they recognize that people are paying attention to what they say and they have to mix up their phrases a bit more. I don't need any more of Paul's "funny feelings", which are neither funny nor feelings, but we do need Phil to down a bottle of his favorite Bordeaux and come up with a suitable addition to suitcase of courage.
Lastly, I have to give praise to the cycling gods who have blessed us with live coverage and DVRs. On the west coast timing, I can get up early, hit the beginning of the DVR-saved broadcast and skip commercials right up until the end of the show, usually catching up to the live broadcast by the end or so close that my blackberry hasn't ruined the surprise. As a cycling fan from the 80's, you new cycling fans have no g-d'm idea how easy you have it. I will rail about that again another day.
Riders - Lance Armstrong - Love him or hate him, you have to give the old guy credit. Damn fine job of showing the world how to compete in a bike race when your brain is stronger than your legs. I had to laugh a few times since Lance would have put a hit out on any other rider who expressed "team" opinions the way he did, but give the guy props for obeying the team rules even when Contador was not. My beef with Lance is that much of the world thinks he is a lovable survivor, when he is in fact a cold-blooded killing machine, but that is exactly what made him capable of winning the world's hardest sporting event an unimaginable seven times in a row. Can't wait to see him teach Taylor Phinney how to do it all over again after taking one more shot in 2010.
Alberto Contador - Dude can climb better than the climbers and time trial better than the time trialers. How do you do that?
Mark Cavendish / Thor Hushvold - Awesome battle. I wish Cavendish would shut his mouth sometimes, but you gotta take the good with the bad. Guy's legs have more 500 meter wattage than anyone would think possible. He did it on the flat, uphill, straight on, with curves, you name it. On the other hand, Thor did it old school, making sure he was there always and that mountain ride to take up points was classic. I'm glad he got the green jersey. Oh yeah, Tyler Farrar. Oh man, that many second places would indicate that late-career Erik Zabel was his mentor, not Cavendish's. Farrar will rack up some wins, but it's too bad he didn't get one here (except for the Garmin curse which he must live with).
George Hincapie - The Garmin curse befalls all members of the Garmin team for jacking Big George out of the yellow jersey. When a mountain of cycling class has that kind of well-deserved recognition grabbed away from him by the petty-ness of Matt White and Jonathon Vaughters (even though he wasn't there, he is covered with the shit splatter from White's decision), they deserve to be cursed. Columbia-HTC didn't need any favors from anyone, but George Hincapie is one of those riders who deserve the right treatment from any American rider, team or cycling fan. I think it would have been great to see Lance in the jersey for a day, except for Contador being an ass, and George "resplendent" in yellow, except for Garmin leadership being asses. I hope George will get a ride for the next couple of tours and be the guy with the most tours under his belt. He may not get Paris-Roubaix the way he deserves, but he can get that record with the incredible work ethic and monster strength that he embodies.
Jens Voigt - You aren't allowed to talk work ethic and monster strength in cycling without including an ode to Jens Voigt. The Tour will not be same without him in a few years, but let's hope his horrible face-scrapping won't slow him down for long. His accident is one of those things that could happen to any of us, losing his grip on the bars due to a bump, but it is pure Jens to have done it at 50 kph just after the summit of a mountain where he was being super domestique when it would have been much more reasonable for him to be in the auto-bus or laughing group. I don't know how Lance keeps up his testosterone with one ball, but maybe Jens could give him one of his multiple cast-iron left-overs.
Showing posts with label Versus. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Versus. Show all posts
Monday, July 27, 2009
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Pedals2People & Weekend Ride Report
Saturday - The weather was tough for bike riding on Saturday. Early morning downpour followed by wind and intermittent rain for the remainder of the day. Due to work and kids I rode by myself.
The primary thing of note on this ride was the wind. I usually like riding in the wind because I am large enough that my power is somewhat effective against the wind, whereas anything uphill becomes power-to-weight. I lose on this scale. On Saturday though, the wind was blowing hard enough that there wasn't any sense of "pushing" against the wind. Instead, the overall effect was "why have my legs abandoned me?" I know that rationally I would have been able to deduce the impact of the wind. I could look around and see trees, grass, occasional flags, or whatever blowing straight back at me. Instead of taking "comfort" from this, as in, "oh, the wind is blowing like a __itch, so I guess I'll just slog along", instead there was a veritable chorus of "you can't ride a bike!", "you have no legs!", "why don't you just put the bike away and focus on your other hobbies, like drinking beer?" that were all I could hear in my head. I should have known better, since this was one of those days when even downhill into the wind I had to pedal. No coasting without slowing to a virtual stop.
Nonetheless, I made my way out to the Valley Chapel hill and took a very slow, extended trip up that sucker. As I was contemplating my lack of cycling ability and my corresponding lack of value as a human (these things correspond when you are beat down on a bike, right?), I decided that I had tortured myself enough and it was time to head back into town. I stopped pedaling and the wind brought me almost to a stop as I looked over my shoulder to make sure I could cross the road and head back. As I turned, I was suddenly struck by how quiet it was. I was amazed at the way the cacophony of noise that was failing to silence my depressive thoughts was just gone. Nothing. Moments after I made my turn-around, the very slight slope had quickly caused me to pick up my pace. As I started to roll along the Palouse rollers back to the top of the V-C hill, I found myself shifting through my gears to something bigger and bigger. Uphill, downhill, didn't matter, I was eating up gears and gaining speed. I shifted into my biggest gear before the top of the hill, coasted down for a number of minutes and then stayed in my biggest gear for a total of 18 minutes. I don't know whether that strikes you as much, but for me, it was a source of the divine spark. It turns out I CAN RIDE A BIKE! Yes, sir! As long as I have a howling wind at my back and a downhill slope I can go on forever!
I was still a pile of mud when I got to the soccer field to watch my son's game, but as I stood in the wind on the sidelines, I realized that it wasn't a good wind or a bad wind, but just a question of which direction you were going.
Sunday - I am looking out for the Cycling Spokane blog on the Paris-Roubaix ride and fundraiser, or the Pedals2People official take on the happenings, but let me add just a brief comment (yes, I can be brief).
11 am - Pulled up to the Sandifur Bridge. Under-dressed and no rain gear. Sky: dark and threatening. Two others were waiting. John Speare, local cycling spiritual leader, had set a 24-mile route to give us our own taste of dirt and mud to get ready to watch Paris-Roubaix.
11.15 am - We headed uphill to join the Fish Lake trail. The non-John Speare rider called out that the pace was a bit high for the first ride of the year and he would just meet us at the Steam Plant Grill. I wanted to go with him, but I felt obliged to keep up with JS.
11.30 am - We were still riding uphill.
11.35 am - We turned uphill from our current hill to follow an unholy triumvirate of Scribner, Jensen and Goss roads. All dirt, gravel, uphill and occassional snapping of dogs (all behind fences, this time).
11.45 am - At this point, it was clear that this was the perfect P-R ride. The worse the road was, the farther JS pulled away from me. I was Hincapie to his Boonen.
11.50 am - JS tells me that the ride from this point on is paved roads and downhill.
11.52 am - We take a right turn onto a dirt road. JS has lost his credibility.
12.00 pm - We finally have covered our last of the dirt and start the long haul along Cedar. The wind is finally behind us, pavement is below us, the dogs are still separated from us and I feel okay. JS reminds me that the drop down Cedar hill is one of the best in town. He is right.
12.30 pm - We make it to the Steam Plant Grill ahead of schedule. I am tired but very happy that we didn't get more than a few rain sprinkles on us, I mostly kept up on the dirt and didn't embarrass myself by falling off or flatting with inappropriate equipment.
1.00 pm - People start to roll into the Steam Plant Grill to eat and drink beer. A mix of Pedals2People supporters, FBC riders, racers, Bike To Work types, and others all helped to fill up the lower level and stake out spots in front of the seven televisions, all tuned to the race.
2.00 pm - Paris-Roubaix coverage starts. A hush falls over the crowd. Not really.
3.00 pm - P-R starts to get serious.
3.15 pm - To my disappointment, Big George Hincapie falls out of contention. To my younger son's, Fabian Cancellara does shortly thereafter.
3.45 pm - Tornado Tom does it again.
4.00 pm - After an excellent Scottish Ale, an IPA, and a bacon-cheddar burger to make sure that I can't keep up on the next hill, we are ready to call it day. Pedals2People collected some funds, the rest of us had fun, and everyone who didn't have to mount a bike to ride home in the rain storm waiting outside was gratified.
Thanks to everyone who turned out for the P2P P-R fundraiser at the SPG. Let's do it again next year.
The primary thing of note on this ride was the wind. I usually like riding in the wind because I am large enough that my power is somewhat effective against the wind, whereas anything uphill becomes power-to-weight. I lose on this scale. On Saturday though, the wind was blowing hard enough that there wasn't any sense of "pushing" against the wind. Instead, the overall effect was "why have my legs abandoned me?" I know that rationally I would have been able to deduce the impact of the wind. I could look around and see trees, grass, occasional flags, or whatever blowing straight back at me. Instead of taking "comfort" from this, as in, "oh, the wind is blowing like a __itch, so I guess I'll just slog along", instead there was a veritable chorus of "you can't ride a bike!", "you have no legs!", "why don't you just put the bike away and focus on your other hobbies, like drinking beer?" that were all I could hear in my head. I should have known better, since this was one of those days when even downhill into the wind I had to pedal. No coasting without slowing to a virtual stop.
Nonetheless, I made my way out to the Valley Chapel hill and took a very slow, extended trip up that sucker. As I was contemplating my lack of cycling ability and my corresponding lack of value as a human (these things correspond when you are beat down on a bike, right?), I decided that I had tortured myself enough and it was time to head back into town. I stopped pedaling and the wind brought me almost to a stop as I looked over my shoulder to make sure I could cross the road and head back. As I turned, I was suddenly struck by how quiet it was. I was amazed at the way the cacophony of noise that was failing to silence my depressive thoughts was just gone. Nothing. Moments after I made my turn-around, the very slight slope had quickly caused me to pick up my pace. As I started to roll along the Palouse rollers back to the top of the V-C hill, I found myself shifting through my gears to something bigger and bigger. Uphill, downhill, didn't matter, I was eating up gears and gaining speed. I shifted into my biggest gear before the top of the hill, coasted down for a number of minutes and then stayed in my biggest gear for a total of 18 minutes. I don't know whether that strikes you as much, but for me, it was a source of the divine spark. It turns out I CAN RIDE A BIKE! Yes, sir! As long as I have a howling wind at my back and a downhill slope I can go on forever!
I was still a pile of mud when I got to the soccer field to watch my son's game, but as I stood in the wind on the sidelines, I realized that it wasn't a good wind or a bad wind, but just a question of which direction you were going.
Sunday - I am looking out for the Cycling Spokane blog on the Paris-Roubaix ride and fundraiser, or the Pedals2People official take on the happenings, but let me add just a brief comment (yes, I can be brief).
11 am - Pulled up to the Sandifur Bridge. Under-dressed and no rain gear. Sky: dark and threatening. Two others were waiting. John Speare, local cycling spiritual leader, had set a 24-mile route to give us our own taste of dirt and mud to get ready to watch Paris-Roubaix.
11.15 am - We headed uphill to join the Fish Lake trail. The non-John Speare rider called out that the pace was a bit high for the first ride of the year and he would just meet us at the Steam Plant Grill. I wanted to go with him, but I felt obliged to keep up with JS.
11.30 am - We were still riding uphill.
11.35 am - We turned uphill from our current hill to follow an unholy triumvirate of Scribner, Jensen and Goss roads. All dirt, gravel, uphill and occassional snapping of dogs (all behind fences, this time).
11.45 am - At this point, it was clear that this was the perfect P-R ride. The worse the road was, the farther JS pulled away from me. I was Hincapie to his Boonen.
11.50 am - JS tells me that the ride from this point on is paved roads and downhill.
11.52 am - We take a right turn onto a dirt road. JS has lost his credibility.
12.00 pm - We finally have covered our last of the dirt and start the long haul along Cedar. The wind is finally behind us, pavement is below us, the dogs are still separated from us and I feel okay. JS reminds me that the drop down Cedar hill is one of the best in town. He is right.
12.30 pm - We make it to the Steam Plant Grill ahead of schedule. I am tired but very happy that we didn't get more than a few rain sprinkles on us, I mostly kept up on the dirt and didn't embarrass myself by falling off or flatting with inappropriate equipment.
1.00 pm - People start to roll into the Steam Plant Grill to eat and drink beer. A mix of Pedals2People supporters, FBC riders, racers, Bike To Work types, and others all helped to fill up the lower level and stake out spots in front of the seven televisions, all tuned to the race.
2.00 pm - Paris-Roubaix coverage starts. A hush falls over the crowd. Not really.
3.00 pm - P-R starts to get serious.
3.15 pm - To my disappointment, Big George Hincapie falls out of contention. To my younger son's, Fabian Cancellara does shortly thereafter.
3.45 pm - Tornado Tom does it again.
4.00 pm - After an excellent Scottish Ale, an IPA, and a bacon-cheddar burger to make sure that I can't keep up on the next hill, we are ready to call it day. Pedals2People collected some funds, the rest of us had fun, and everyone who didn't have to mount a bike to ride home in the rain storm waiting outside was gratified.
Thanks to everyone who turned out for the P2P P-R fundraiser at the SPG. Let's do it again next year.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Versus Cycling Commentary
After the Tour of California, a few of you tuned in to read my ranting about the Versus "Network" cycling coverage. If you missed it and want to 1) read about what a waste of television Craig Hummer is, 2) read about what an even bigger waste of television Rasika Mathur is, and 3) see Craig Hummer in a fur-lined speedo (really), then take a look at this posts from a few weeks ago:
Thoughts on the Tour of California
Dr. Spalm Discusses Craig Hummer
Things More Annoying Than Craig Hummer
Things More Annoying Than Rasika Mathur
Ideas that make as much sense as the Versus Network
I should say that I was a cycling fan when we had to get our cycling news in little snippets in the newspaper (remember those?) and wait for VeloNews to arrive in the mailbox in August with the first half of the Tour de France coverage and then the next issue to read about the rest of the race. So, I am genuinely happy that as a follower of pro cycling there is a lot more coverage online and there is televised coverage. I would just be a lot happier if Versus would stop effen it up so badly.
Here is an overview of the cycling commentators.
Phil Ligget
Phil is the Dean of Cycling Commentators. Phil was there when the cavemen created the first bicycles and he has been commentating on wheeled competition ever since. Phil is often the one who comes up with the sayings that are repeated over and over in cycling conversations. If you go through the 700 million words blogged each day about cycling, you will find variations of Phil's various comments, "suitcase of courage", "rubber band has snapped", "like a formula one race car coming down the stretch," repeated more times than Lance Armstrong's name. And that is really saying something.
Phil is also the one to use three different pronunciations for each non-english name and you can't count on the accuracy of any particular observation. He will mis-identify riders or call the riders dropping off the pack the leaders, etc., but his overall knowledge, his enthusiasm for the final kilometer of ANY race and his rooting for the underdog, all combine to make him an irreplaceable presence.
Paul Sherman
Paul was the addition to Phil's commentary box that turned this duo into the stuff of legend. Paul was one of the early english-speakers in the Euro pro scene and had a reputation for being a hard man. He was also known for being the guy with the best sense of math and pace so that he could help the gruppetto (the riders who are slogging through the mountains of a stage race together well behind the leaders) get to the finish line at just the right speed to avoid the time-cut elimination.
You can usually count on Paul to be accurate in this information, although he does have the annoying habit of reading things from the race book and pretending that he knows them. If he had that much information in his head of every castle across mainland Europe he should be a history professor or tour guide. He also has the habit of getting a hold of a catch phrase and saying over and over until you want to scream at the television. I like listening to Paul, but I do not need to hear him say AGAIN, "I've got a funny feeling that . . ." Most guys with that many funny feelings either need an antibiotic or a psychiatrist.
Bob Roll
With Bob Roll, a picture tells a thousand words. Take a look at the picture above. That is Bob cleaned up and ready for a studio picture. Here is a look at something closer to the real Bob Roll.
Bob also came at this gig from the professional ranks. He was a journeyman rider, including for the 7-11 Team that was the first American team to ride in the Giro and Tour. He raced with Chris Carmichael, Eric Heiden, Davis Phinney (the first famous Phinney), Steve Bauer and Andy Hampsten, just to name a few of the guys (most of whom should be your cycling heroes). He also kicked around the mountain bike circuit for a number of years. During that time, he wrote a column for VeloNews that it took editorial footnotes to give you the idea you knew what he was saying. I don't know for sure that he was under the influence while he was writing those columns, but it usually takes hallucinogenics or religion to make someone that feverish, so I have my suspicions. When he was first on television he was definitely the color guy, coming up with metaphors that were so stretched and obtuse that you had to love them even when you had no idea what he was saying. He has lost a lot of that old charm, but he still is great at communicating the pain, anguish, misery, joy, competition and difficulty of racing.
All Together Now . . .
When I sit down to watch cycling on tv, that's what I want from my commentary booth. They are serious students of the sport, they know its history and the path of the guys on the bikes in front of them. All three all have racing backgrounds. As Rider 1 touched on yesterday, there are things you experience in racing that you simply can't experience anywhere else. These guys get that and it adds something to the best of their commentary.
On the downside, they all seem to have their lips permanently attached to the ass of Lance Armstrong. Lance is a tough subject for people who really love and follow professional cycling. He's an easy subject on the cancer support side and for the casual cyclist, but does that really mean that Phil, Paul and Bob need to mention his name and his greatness every 3 minutes of every broadcast whether L.A. is in that day's race or not? I think not.
Tomorrow, some of the lesser lights at Versus.
Thoughts on the Tour of California
Dr. Spalm Discusses Craig Hummer
Things More Annoying Than Craig Hummer
Things More Annoying Than Rasika Mathur
Ideas that make as much sense as the Versus Network
I should say that I was a cycling fan when we had to get our cycling news in little snippets in the newspaper (remember those?) and wait for VeloNews to arrive in the mailbox in August with the first half of the Tour de France coverage and then the next issue to read about the rest of the race. So, I am genuinely happy that as a follower of pro cycling there is a lot more coverage online and there is televised coverage. I would just be a lot happier if Versus would stop effen it up so badly.
Here is an overview of the cycling commentators.
Phil Ligget
 |
| From Misc Bike Pics |
Phil is the Dean of Cycling Commentators. Phil was there when the cavemen created the first bicycles and he has been commentating on wheeled competition ever since. Phil is often the one who comes up with the sayings that are repeated over and over in cycling conversations. If you go through the 700 million words blogged each day about cycling, you will find variations of Phil's various comments, "suitcase of courage", "rubber band has snapped", "like a formula one race car coming down the stretch," repeated more times than Lance Armstrong's name. And that is really saying something.
Phil is also the one to use three different pronunciations for each non-english name and you can't count on the accuracy of any particular observation. He will mis-identify riders or call the riders dropping off the pack the leaders, etc., but his overall knowledge, his enthusiasm for the final kilometer of ANY race and his rooting for the underdog, all combine to make him an irreplaceable presence.
Paul Sherman
 |
| From Misc Bike Pics |
Paul was the addition to Phil's commentary box that turned this duo into the stuff of legend. Paul was one of the early english-speakers in the Euro pro scene and had a reputation for being a hard man. He was also known for being the guy with the best sense of math and pace so that he could help the gruppetto (the riders who are slogging through the mountains of a stage race together well behind the leaders) get to the finish line at just the right speed to avoid the time-cut elimination.
You can usually count on Paul to be accurate in this information, although he does have the annoying habit of reading things from the race book and pretending that he knows them. If he had that much information in his head of every castle across mainland Europe he should be a history professor or tour guide. He also has the habit of getting a hold of a catch phrase and saying over and over until you want to scream at the television. I like listening to Paul, but I do not need to hear him say AGAIN, "I've got a funny feeling that . . ." Most guys with that many funny feelings either need an antibiotic or a psychiatrist.
Bob Roll
 |
| From Misc Bike Pics |
With Bob Roll, a picture tells a thousand words. Take a look at the picture above. That is Bob cleaned up and ready for a studio picture. Here is a look at something closer to the real Bob Roll.
 |
| From Misc Bike Pics |
Bob also came at this gig from the professional ranks. He was a journeyman rider, including for the 7-11 Team that was the first American team to ride in the Giro and Tour. He raced with Chris Carmichael, Eric Heiden, Davis Phinney (the first famous Phinney), Steve Bauer and Andy Hampsten, just to name a few of the guys (most of whom should be your cycling heroes). He also kicked around the mountain bike circuit for a number of years. During that time, he wrote a column for VeloNews that it took editorial footnotes to give you the idea you knew what he was saying. I don't know for sure that he was under the influence while he was writing those columns, but it usually takes hallucinogenics or religion to make someone that feverish, so I have my suspicions. When he was first on television he was definitely the color guy, coming up with metaphors that were so stretched and obtuse that you had to love them even when you had no idea what he was saying. He has lost a lot of that old charm, but he still is great at communicating the pain, anguish, misery, joy, competition and difficulty of racing.
All Together Now . . .
 |
| From Misc Bike Pics |
When I sit down to watch cycling on tv, that's what I want from my commentary booth. They are serious students of the sport, they know its history and the path of the guys on the bikes in front of them. All three all have racing backgrounds. As Rider 1 touched on yesterday, there are things you experience in racing that you simply can't experience anywhere else. These guys get that and it adds something to the best of their commentary.
On the downside, they all seem to have their lips permanently attached to the ass of Lance Armstrong. Lance is a tough subject for people who really love and follow professional cycling. He's an easy subject on the cancer support side and for the casual cyclist, but does that really mean that Phil, Paul and Bob need to mention his name and his greatness every 3 minutes of every broadcast whether L.A. is in that day's race or not? I think not.
Tomorrow, some of the lesser lights at Versus.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Ideas that make as much sense as the Versus Network
I was thinking about the Versus Network's unique blend of programming. Who would think to mix bass fishing, bull riding, cage fighting and bicycle racing into one hot mess of a network? I don't know, but I wanted to honor their creative genius by thinking of some combinations of things that make just as much sense.
Toddlers and broken glass.
Fixed gear bikes with pie plates.
ESPN and poker tournaments.
Ice cream and tabasco sauce.
Swimming, biking and running in one contest.
As I understand it, and I may not, cable channels put together a line-up of programming to attract viewers and then the cable channel sells advertising time. They look for ad agencies and marketers targeting their particular viewer. So just what product do you sell to the psychopathic viewer who was just waiting for a channel featuring cage fighting, bass fishing, hockey and a side of Liege-Bastogne-Liege? Do you remember the Sesame Street song, "one of these things doesn't belong with the others"?
And just what does the "average" viewer of Versus look like? Remember that at the bar down the street the average net worth of the patrons looks dramatically different when Bill Gates pulls up a stool (If you don't understand this concept, stop reading this blog and take a basic math class). So, as a bike snob, don't you suspect that the "average" Versus viewer looks dramatically different when you add in the income and education of the cycling viewers as opposed to the extreme cage fighting idiots, I mean, viewers? (Sure, I'm worried that one of them is going to read this blog and threaten to beat me up. That's precisely my point about the kind of neanderthal who likes cage fighting.)
In light of this, it makes sense to me suddenly why someone at the network would decide that what two guys like Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwen really need to help them commentate on a bike race is someone who has never raced a bike, is not a cycling fan and is enough of an idiot that he will attempt to take up 80% of the air time. It all comes clear. Mix up some bull riding, bass fishing, cage fighting and throw this into the mix:
Photo from Swimming World Magazine
Toddlers and broken glass.
Fixed gear bikes with pie plates.
ESPN and poker tournaments.
Ice cream and tabasco sauce.
Swimming, biking and running in one contest.
As I understand it, and I may not, cable channels put together a line-up of programming to attract viewers and then the cable channel sells advertising time. They look for ad agencies and marketers targeting their particular viewer. So just what product do you sell to the psychopathic viewer who was just waiting for a channel featuring cage fighting, bass fishing, hockey and a side of Liege-Bastogne-Liege? Do you remember the Sesame Street song, "one of these things doesn't belong with the others"?
And just what does the "average" viewer of Versus look like? Remember that at the bar down the street the average net worth of the patrons looks dramatically different when Bill Gates pulls up a stool (If you don't understand this concept, stop reading this blog and take a basic math class). So, as a bike snob, don't you suspect that the "average" Versus viewer looks dramatically different when you add in the income and education of the cycling viewers as opposed to the extreme cage fighting idiots, I mean, viewers? (Sure, I'm worried that one of them is going to read this blog and threaten to beat me up. That's precisely my point about the kind of neanderthal who likes cage fighting.)
In light of this, it makes sense to me suddenly why someone at the network would decide that what two guys like Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwen really need to help them commentate on a bike race is someone who has never raced a bike, is not a cycling fan and is enough of an idiot that he will attempt to take up 80% of the air time. It all comes clear. Mix up some bull riding, bass fishing, cage fighting and throw this into the mix:
 |
| From Misc Bike Pics |
Friday, February 27, 2009
Things more annoying than Rasika Mathur
As a public service to viewers of the Versus Network, we provide a list of things that are MORE annoying than Rasika Mathur doing interviews during a bike race:
Nothing. Absolutely Nothing.
Sorry, I really thought and thought about this, but I've got nothing.
Photo from Rediff News
Nothing. Absolutely Nothing.
Sorry, I really thought and thought about this, but I've got nothing.
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| From Misc Bike Pics |
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Things more annoying than Craig Hummer
As a public service to viewers of the Versus Network, we provide a list of things that are MORE annoying than listening to Craig Hummer commentate on a bike race alongside Phil Ligget and Paul Sherwen:
Having an English Sparrow drop his coconut, land on your shoulder and peck at your ears while you are incapacitated and unable to make it stop.
Excitedly buying a new porkpie hat to wear to a Henry Rollins spoken-word concert, pulling it directly from the hat box to put on your head and discovering that it was filled with acid that pours down your face.
Getting ready to leave the house in the morning, searching for your glasses, putting them on and being horrified to find as they pierce your eyeballs that someone replaced the lenses with sharp pointy things.
Having a blonde himbo mangle the English language, constantly interrupt more intelligent and more eloquent people and begin screeching in a higher and higher pitch to generate false excitement about virtually nothing at all. Oh, sorry, that is EXACTLY as annoying as Craig Hummer.
Photo from Swimming World Magazine
Having an English Sparrow drop his coconut, land on your shoulder and peck at your ears while you are incapacitated and unable to make it stop.
Excitedly buying a new porkpie hat to wear to a Henry Rollins spoken-word concert, pulling it directly from the hat box to put on your head and discovering that it was filled with acid that pours down your face.
Getting ready to leave the house in the morning, searching for your glasses, putting them on and being horrified to find as they pierce your eyeballs that someone replaced the lenses with sharp pointy things.
Having a blonde himbo mangle the English language, constantly interrupt more intelligent and more eloquent people and begin screeching in a higher and higher pitch to generate false excitement about virtually nothing at all. Oh, sorry, that is EXACTLY as annoying as Craig Hummer.
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| From Misc Bike Pics |
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Dr. Spalm Discusses Craig Hummer
Dr. Spalm - Can you explain to me the decision by the Versus Network to have Craig Hummer join Phil and Paul for the broadcast duties while Bob Roll is limited to short pieces and post-race interviews?
Wanting to Watch, but Not Enjoying it.
Dear WtWbNEi -
No, I don't think that anyone can explain this decision. Some corporate level decisions seem to have no rational basis. As evidence of this, please see the national economy. There are some factors to consider, however.
First, Bob Roll. For those who have been paying attention to Bob Roll for years, we remember his early days as a columnist for VeloNews. His essays were unlike any other writing. Please note that I did not say unlike any other "bicycle" writing. His writings appeared to have been the result of putting a typewriter in front of him after mescaline ingestion. They had a surreal, other-worldy quality and most often required footnotes to explain the various nicknames and Rollesque short-hand. People who write in this fashion usually move on to careers in performance art or coffee pouring. Bob Roll, however, became a cult hero among the cycling literati. This made him a logical addition to the long-time Brits who were the nonpareil of cycling commentating. Why not a little American flavor to spice up the droll Brits? One problem, it was Bob Roll. The man is slightly crazed and he probably got under the skin of Phil and Paul.
Second, Versus TV Executives. Early on during their decision to combine pro bass fishing, bull riding and bicycle racing, someone undoubtedly said, we need a blonde bimbo who looks good in swim suit to sit at the desk with Phil and Paul. Someone who can make the sport understandable for newcomers. They came up with Kirsten Gum. That didn't work so they went the opposite direction - how about a grizzled TV/Sports veteran to sit with the Brits? They came up with Al Trautwig. That didn't work so they went back to their first formula - blonde bimbo who looks good in a swimsuit. Here is what they came up with this time:
Photo from Swimming World Magazine
Clearly the Versus Network is home to group of bull-riding, bass-fishing, bicycle-hating executives. Executives in the derogatory sense of the word.
Thus, in conclusion, Dr. Spalm, as a man of science, cannot explain the illogical and irrational decision to allow Craig Hummer to sully the live broadcast with his excessive and inane prattling, but thank you for asking.
Dr. Spalm
Wanting to Watch, but Not Enjoying it.
Dear WtWbNEi -
No, I don't think that anyone can explain this decision. Some corporate level decisions seem to have no rational basis. As evidence of this, please see the national economy. There are some factors to consider, however.
First, Bob Roll. For those who have been paying attention to Bob Roll for years, we remember his early days as a columnist for VeloNews. His essays were unlike any other writing. Please note that I did not say unlike any other "bicycle" writing. His writings appeared to have been the result of putting a typewriter in front of him after mescaline ingestion. They had a surreal, other-worldy quality and most often required footnotes to explain the various nicknames and Rollesque short-hand. People who write in this fashion usually move on to careers in performance art or coffee pouring. Bob Roll, however, became a cult hero among the cycling literati. This made him a logical addition to the long-time Brits who were the nonpareil of cycling commentating. Why not a little American flavor to spice up the droll Brits? One problem, it was Bob Roll. The man is slightly crazed and he probably got under the skin of Phil and Paul.
Second, Versus TV Executives. Early on during their decision to combine pro bass fishing, bull riding and bicycle racing, someone undoubtedly said, we need a blonde bimbo who looks good in swim suit to sit at the desk with Phil and Paul. Someone who can make the sport understandable for newcomers. They came up with Kirsten Gum. That didn't work so they went the opposite direction - how about a grizzled TV/Sports veteran to sit with the Brits? They came up with Al Trautwig. That didn't work so they went back to their first formula - blonde bimbo who looks good in a swimsuit. Here is what they came up with this time:
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| From Misc Bike Pics |
Clearly the Versus Network is home to group of bull-riding, bass-fishing, bicycle-hating executives. Executives in the derogatory sense of the word.
Thus, in conclusion, Dr. Spalm, as a man of science, cannot explain the illogical and irrational decision to allow Craig Hummer to sully the live broadcast with his excessive and inane prattling, but thank you for asking.
Dr. Spalm
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Thoughts on the Tour of California
The rest of this week will be devoted to the Tour of California. Yes, I know that it was last week, but just like economists and politicians, I drive much better looking in the rear-view mirror. I have had time to digest my thoughts, distill my suggestions into gems of wisdom and I have thought of 936 people who would add more to the Tour of California coverage than Craig Hummer. But more on that later. In the meantime, in compliance with the terms and conditions of the Blogger Code, I present Random Miscellaneous Musings on the Tour of California:
1 - Fatcyclist got burned badly by the Versus Coverage of the Tour of California. First, he did great liveblogging and he is admired by all, but it is really sad to read his and his wife's reaction to the "Breakaway from Cancer" commercials. No one needs a kick in the gut from a cancer support group while you or your family is dealing with cancer. A little more thought on the next round of commercials, please. Second, Fatty cooked up the idea getting Bob Roll to shave his head if he could get his readers to donate $5,000 to cancer research before the end of the Tour of California. I could have done the same thing except I have no way to get a hold of Bob Roll, or convince him to do such a thing and I have the expectation that our readers would be reluctant to donate 50 cents to anything we suggested. So, I have a lot of respect for this idea and, amazingly, they raised over $8,000 AND Bob Roll shaved his head. That part was great, but they never gave any of the credit to Fatty and his readers for the whole thing. Fatty has been very gracious about it, but it chaps my ass.
2 - Tyler Hamilton. Maybe we can forgive his blood doping and his absurd chimera twin defense, but his hair cannot be forgiven.
3 - Floyd Landis. Please see above comment when next looking at that thing that almost appears to be a goatee growing on your face.
4 - Dave Zabriskie. It's great to see Dave Z going fast again and it's great to see that he shaved off his 70's porn-star mustache. Have you noticed that Dave Z sounds astonishingly like a Muppet?
5 - Do my comments about Bob Roll's hair, Tyler Hamilton's hair, Floyd Landis' facial hair and Dave Zabriskie's facial hair indicate I have a thing about hair. I don't think so, but I should let you know that I have Bob Roll's hairdo and I was not allowed by my parents to fulfill my childhood dream of going to cosmetology school.
6 - George Hincapie. I like George Hincapie a lot and very much want to see him win Paris-Roubaix. Rider 1 knew George as a U-23 rider and says he is both a nice guy and a super-human athlete, but every time he comes on the screen someone calls him "Big George Hincapie." Big George is 6' 3", which I will grant you is tall, but the guy weighs 165 pounds! I have the impression that if I were standing next to Big George, I would ask why no one feeds him. Since when do skeletal humans qualify as "big"?
7 - Astana. Does anyone else think it is funny that a group of Kazakhstan mafia, I mean Kazakhstan industrial companies, have sponsored a team named after the capital of the country and it has become all about Lance? And that Lance takes every opportunity to wear his LiveStrong stuff over his Astana gear?
8 - Who knew it was ever going to possible that we would miss Kirsten Gum as a cycling commentator?
9 - Levi Leipheimer - Remember last year's campaign to "Let Levi Ride"? How about this year's campaign, Let Levi Slide!
Picture from Velonews/Casey B. Gibson
1 - Fatcyclist got burned badly by the Versus Coverage of the Tour of California. First, he did great liveblogging and he is admired by all, but it is really sad to read his and his wife's reaction to the "Breakaway from Cancer" commercials. No one needs a kick in the gut from a cancer support group while you or your family is dealing with cancer. A little more thought on the next round of commercials, please. Second, Fatty cooked up the idea getting Bob Roll to shave his head if he could get his readers to donate $5,000 to cancer research before the end of the Tour of California. I could have done the same thing except I have no way to get a hold of Bob Roll, or convince him to do such a thing and I have the expectation that our readers would be reluctant to donate 50 cents to anything we suggested. So, I have a lot of respect for this idea and, amazingly, they raised over $8,000 AND Bob Roll shaved his head. That part was great, but they never gave any of the credit to Fatty and his readers for the whole thing. Fatty has been very gracious about it, but it chaps my ass.
2 - Tyler Hamilton. Maybe we can forgive his blood doping and his absurd chimera twin defense, but his hair cannot be forgiven.
3 - Floyd Landis. Please see above comment when next looking at that thing that almost appears to be a goatee growing on your face.
4 - Dave Zabriskie. It's great to see Dave Z going fast again and it's great to see that he shaved off his 70's porn-star mustache. Have you noticed that Dave Z sounds astonishingly like a Muppet?
5 - Do my comments about Bob Roll's hair, Tyler Hamilton's hair, Floyd Landis' facial hair and Dave Zabriskie's facial hair indicate I have a thing about hair. I don't think so, but I should let you know that I have Bob Roll's hairdo and I was not allowed by my parents to fulfill my childhood dream of going to cosmetology school.
6 - George Hincapie. I like George Hincapie a lot and very much want to see him win Paris-Roubaix. Rider 1 knew George as a U-23 rider and says he is both a nice guy and a super-human athlete, but every time he comes on the screen someone calls him "Big George Hincapie." Big George is 6' 3", which I will grant you is tall, but the guy weighs 165 pounds! I have the impression that if I were standing next to Big George, I would ask why no one feeds him. Since when do skeletal humans qualify as "big"?
7 - Astana. Does anyone else think it is funny that a group of Kazakhstan mafia, I mean Kazakhstan industrial companies, have sponsored a team named after the capital of the country and it has become all about Lance? And that Lance takes every opportunity to wear his LiveStrong stuff over his Astana gear?
8 - Who knew it was ever going to possible that we would miss Kirsten Gum as a cycling commentator?
9 - Levi Leipheimer - Remember last year's campaign to "Let Levi Ride"? How about this year's campaign, Let Levi Slide!
 |
| From Misc Bike Pics |
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