Tour de France

To read this blog, you might think that we Team Two Wheeler's were oblivious to the Tour de France. And, blog-wise, you are right. We haven't done any TdF posts for this year, up until now. Here is your complete and total Tour de France re-cap right here. Everything you need to remember about the 2009 Tour de France when it is time to whip ourselves into a frenzy for next year's edition featuring Team Radio Shack and a resurgent Lance!

Tour Organization/Route - I give the ASO a solid B, but that is because I am a softy. They deserve credit for trying, even if they didn't get everything right. No radios for riders - dumb idea; we can't pretend that the world keeps moving ahead even if the French have a national passion for doing so. No time bonuses - I liked this, so that we didn't have stupid games the first week with sprinters "buying" their way into the Yellow jersey; it probably took something away from some mountain stages because it mattered less if you were 2nd or 6th in a group that got the same time, but overall this was reasonable. Team Time Trial - loved having it back even though I usually skip watching it; if you want to win the Tour, you have to show up with a team that can perform and this enforces that idea. I also liked that they just let the time stand, rather than artificially limiting the time between teams the way they did a few years ago. Route overall - hey, they tried. The idea was to leave the race unknown until the last week and potentially the last day. Mt. Ventoux was a bit anticlimactic, because the standings didn't change much, but that is because every one of the top ten did his job and held his place. It could have been much different if someone had a bad day; which would have been more likely with a few more mountains before Mt. Ventoux, but again - I give credit for trying. The downside was that some of the mid-first week until the end of the second week was completely miss-able, but frankly, even though I am slavishly devoted to the coverage, that is true almost every year. So, overall, enough time trialing, enough mountain top finishes to create gaps, and mountain base finishes to keep riders working, and a decent mix that wasn't afraid to try some next roads and mix up the direction. Lastly, loved the Monte Carlo start.

Versus Coverage - Wow, long-time readers expect me to launch into Craig Hummer, but honestly, I think you have to give the guy credit. He has improved. During the Tour of California I thought he was failing to hide a meth problem the way his mouth motored on and on and on and on, right past having anything to say or motoring over his elders with much more insight and experience. Now, I almost exclusively watched the morning coverage that had the Phil and Paul commentary, but what I saw of re-broadcasts made me think that Craig Hummer deserves credit for learning and growing. He still doesn't bring to the booth the obvious charisma of Kirsten Gum, but I may have to give up on that particular fading fantasy.

As for Bob, they seem to have gotten his medication almost perfect. He was able to spin some of those analogies and metaphors, but keep his head about him and do the job at hand. He still has his lips so firmly attached to Lance's kiester that you would think this is the most serious bro-mance ever, but Bob manages to do it with an impish charm that makes it work.

Phil and Paul are still the champs, but I think that they have moved into a new stage where they recognize that people are paying attention to what they say and they have to mix up their phrases a bit more. I don't need any more of Paul's "funny feelings", which are neither funny nor feelings, but we do need Phil to down a bottle of his favorite Bordeaux and come up with a suitable addition to suitcase of courage.

Lastly, I have to give praise to the cycling gods who have blessed us with live coverage and DVRs. On the west coast timing, I can get up early, hit the beginning of the DVR-saved broadcast and skip commercials right up until the end of the show, usually catching up to the live broadcast by the end or so close that my blackberry hasn't ruined the surprise. As a cycling fan from the 80's, you new cycling fans have no g-d'm idea how easy you have it. I will rail about that again another day.

Riders - Lance Armstrong - Love him or hate him, you have to give the old guy credit. Damn fine job of showing the world how to compete in a bike race when your brain is stronger than your legs. I had to laugh a few times since Lance would have put a hit out on any other rider who expressed "team" opinions the way he did, but give the guy props for obeying the team rules even when Contador was not. My beef with Lance is that much of the world thinks he is a lovable survivor, when he is in fact a cold-blooded killing machine, but that is exactly what made him capable of winning the world's hardest sporting event an unimaginable seven times in a row. Can't wait to see him teach Taylor Phinney how to do it all over again after taking one more shot in 2010.

Alberto Contador - Dude can climb better than the climbers and time trial better than the time trialers. How do you do that?

Mark Cavendish / Thor Hushvold - Awesome battle. I wish Cavendish would shut his mouth sometimes, but you gotta take the good with the bad. Guy's legs have more 500 meter wattage than anyone would think possible. He did it on the flat, uphill, straight on, with curves, you name it. On the other hand, Thor did it old school, making sure he was there always and that mountain ride to take up points was classic. I'm glad he got the green jersey. Oh yeah, Tyler Farrar. Oh man, that many second places would indicate that late-career Erik Zabel was his mentor, not Cavendish's. Farrar will rack up some wins, but it's too bad he didn't get one here (except for the Garmin curse which he must live with).

George Hincapie - The Garmin curse befalls all members of the Garmin team for jacking Big George out of the yellow jersey. When a mountain of cycling class has that kind of well-deserved recognition grabbed away from him by the petty-ness of Matt White and Jonathon Vaughters (even though he wasn't there, he is covered with the shit splatter from White's decision), they deserve to be cursed. Columbia-HTC didn't need any favors from anyone, but George Hincapie is one of those riders who deserve the right treatment from any American rider, team or cycling fan. I think it would have been great to see Lance in the jersey for a day, except for Contador being an ass, and George "resplendent" in yellow, except for Garmin leadership being asses. I hope George will get a ride for the next couple of tours and be the guy with the most tours under his belt. He may not get Paris-Roubaix the way he deserves, but he can get that record with the incredible work ethic and monster strength that he embodies.

Jens Voigt - You aren't allowed to talk work ethic and monster strength in cycling without including an ode to Jens Voigt. The Tour will not be same without him in a few years, but let's hope his horrible face-scrapping won't slow him down for long. His accident is one of those things that could happen to any of us, losing his grip on the bars due to a bump, but it is pure Jens to have done it at 50 kph just after the summit of a mountain where he was being super domestique when it would have been much more reasonable for him to be in the auto-bus or laughing group. I don't know how Lance keeps up his testosterone with one ball, but maybe Jens could give him one of his multiple cast-iron left-overs.

Versus Cycling Commentary, Part Two

Adrian Karsten

From Misc Bike Pics

Adrian Karsten hosted the Tour de France coverage on ESPN, so he may not belong on this list, but he was the guy who sat with Phil and Paul for the earliest regular coverage. He was a football player turned ESPN color commentator. He also committed suicide just before he was scheduled to go to prison for tax evasion. This brings to mind a couple of things. First, my grandmother has a saying that was applicable here. Keep in mind that my grandmother was of the always-wears-pearls-and-pumps set, but she once said of someone, "He was a son-of-a-bitch while he was alive, and he still a son-of-a-bitch now that he's dead." So, the fact that Karsten offed himself shouldn't change my opinion of him, but on the other hand, I don't feel like making fun of him anymore.

Al Trautwig

This will surprise some of you, but I try to not ALWAYS operate from a position of ignorance. So, instead of finding a picture of Al and making fun of the fact he was a spray-tan fan way before it was cool, instead I will quote this from the Al Trautwig Wikipedia page:

Trautwig was from 2004 through 2007 a cycling commentator for the Versus cable network's coverage of the Tour de France. Despite his years of experience as a broadcaster, he was sometimes criticized by cycling fans, for his occasionally uninformed commentary, and his tendency to compare the Tour to various mainstream sports he covers.

Huh. I didn't know we criticized him for his "occasionally uniformed commentary;" I thought we made fun of him for his inability to learn anything. He seemed so genuine in his lack of understanding form day to day and from year to year. Somehow he thought his role was to bring the "everyman" perspective to the broadcast and that to do this, it was important to never, ever be tainted by knowledge of the sport. And no, we didn't like his comparisons to mainstream sports because, for the most part, we don't like those sports which is why we are watching cycling on television. Do they do hockey comparisons during soccer? Cage fighting analogies during football? Sports analogies during NASCAR? No, because these things aren't comparable.

Oh yeah, here is the picture of Al. You know you wanted it.

From Misc Bike Pics

Craig Hummer

What can I say about Craig Hummer that can't be perfectly summed up by this:

From Misc Bike Pics

Oh, I guess I found a few words to say about Craig Hummer, like these:

Thoughts on the Tour of California

Dr. Spalm Discusses Craig Hummer

Things More Annoying Than Craig Hummer

Rasika Mathur

You know, I'm sure that there are people who found Ms. Mathur funny. They are wrong. She was a useless addition to the Tour of California. Like REM, I had lost my religion, but I just found it again. I am praying fervently that Rasika Mathur is not part of the Tour de France coverage team. Amen.

Frankie Andreau

From Misc Bike Pics

I think Frankie is probably a good guy. I feel bad about the situation he got into with Lance, his wife and various lawsuits. I also feel bad that I don't like him more than I do as a commentary person. It's not that he is bad, because I don't think he is. It's just that he isn't that good. A guy who knows this much about cycling should be marvelous. He is closer to the days in the saddle than Paul or Bob, but he has a hard time translating it into his comments. I think most of the time he is trying too hard. I suppose it's a cut-throat business, since some female Indian comic is waiting in the wings to take your place, but Frankie needs to relax. I also suppose it's hard to relax when the GREATEST CYCLING STORY OF ALL TIME LANCE ARMSTRONG is gunning for you and anyone who hires you is subject to scrutiny from GCSOATLA, but Frankie after a couple of beers is probably the commentator I want to hear.

Kirsten Gum

From Misc Bike Pics

Oh Kirsten Gum, we hardly knew you. Oh sure, we knew about your days doing NASCAR commentary which were ended by an inadvisable DUI in the early morning hours before you were due trackside, but did we really get a chance to know the real you? Maybe we did, but when the internets were going crazy calling for your head and drumming you off of OLN, we had NO IDEA what a load of buffoons were going to come along to replace you. Would anyone in their right mind really trade Kirsten Gum in for Al Trautwig?

There is a saying that you can't really appreciate what you had until it's gone, and with Kirsten, it's true. Yeah, she needed to keep learning and she needed to keep quiet and let the Phil and Paul show go, but in hindsight, she was SO MUCH BETTER than most of those that came afterward that I have been missing her more and more. And just to be clear, it's not all about the boob job. I would be glad to have her back regardless of the size of her chest. But that's just the kind of guy I am.

So I guess Kirsten is off doing some other shows, at least one featuring deep sea treasure hunting, but if I have to pick between Craig Hummer in his speedo or Kirsten Gum on the beach, it's no contest.

From Misc Bike Pics

Versus Cycling Commentary

After the Tour of California, a few of you tuned in to read my ranting about the Versus "Network" cycling coverage. If you missed it and want to 1) read about what a waste of television Craig Hummer is, 2) read about what an even bigger waste of television Rasika Mathur is, and 3) see Craig Hummer in a fur-lined speedo (really), then take a look at this posts from a few weeks ago:

Thoughts on the Tour of California

Dr. Spalm Discusses Craig Hummer

Things More Annoying Than Craig Hummer

Things More Annoying Than Rasika Mathur

Ideas that make as much sense as the Versus Network

I should say that I was a cycling fan when we had to get our cycling news in little snippets in the newspaper (remember those?) and wait for VeloNews to arrive in the mailbox in August with the first half of the Tour de France coverage and then the next issue to read about the rest of the race. So, I am genuinely happy that as a follower of pro cycling there is a lot more coverage online and there is televised coverage. I would just be a lot happier if Versus would stop effen it up so badly.

Here is an overview of the cycling commentators.

Phil Ligget

From Misc Bike Pics

Phil is the Dean of Cycling Commentators. Phil was there when the cavemen created the first bicycles and he has been commentating on wheeled competition ever since. Phil is often the one who comes up with the sayings that are repeated over and over in cycling conversations. If you go through the 700 million words blogged each day about cycling, you will find variations of Phil's various comments, "suitcase of courage", "rubber band has snapped", "like a formula one race car coming down the stretch," repeated more times than Lance Armstrong's name. And that is really saying something.

Phil is also the one to use three different pronunciations for each non-english name and you can't count on the accuracy of any particular observation. He will mis-identify riders or call the riders dropping off the pack the leaders, etc., but his overall knowledge, his enthusiasm for the final kilometer of ANY race and his rooting for the underdog, all combine to make him an irreplaceable presence.

Paul Sherman

From Misc Bike Pics

Paul was the addition to Phil's commentary box that turned this duo into the stuff of legend. Paul was one of the early english-speakers in the Euro pro scene and had a reputation for being a hard man. He was also known for being the guy with the best sense of math and pace so that he could help the gruppetto (the riders who are slogging through the mountains of a stage race together well behind the leaders) get to the finish line at just the right speed to avoid the time-cut elimination.

You can usually count on Paul to be accurate in this information, although he does have the annoying habit of reading things from the race book and pretending that he knows them. If he had that much information in his head of every castle across mainland Europe he should be a history professor or tour guide. He also has the habit of getting a hold of a catch phrase and saying over and over until you want to scream at the television. I like listening to Paul, but I do not need to hear him say AGAIN, "I've got a funny feeling that . . ." Most guys with that many funny feelings either need an antibiotic or a psychiatrist.

Bob Roll

From Misc Bike Pics

With Bob Roll, a picture tells a thousand words. Take a look at the picture above. That is Bob cleaned up and ready for a studio picture. Here is a look at something closer to the real Bob Roll.

From Misc Bike Pics

Bob also came at this gig from the professional ranks. He was a journeyman rider, including for the 7-11 Team that was the first American team to ride in the Giro and Tour. He raced with Chris Carmichael, Eric Heiden, Davis Phinney (the first famous Phinney), Steve Bauer and Andy Hampsten, just to name a few of the guys (most of whom should be your cycling heroes). He also kicked around the mountain bike circuit for a number of years. During that time, he wrote a column for VeloNews that it took editorial footnotes to give you the idea you knew what he was saying. I don't know for sure that he was under the influence while he was writing those columns, but it usually takes hallucinogenics or religion to make someone that feverish, so I have my suspicions. When he was first on television he was definitely the color guy, coming up with metaphors that were so stretched and obtuse that you had to love them even when you had no idea what he was saying. He has lost a lot of that old charm, but he still is great at communicating the pain, anguish, misery, joy, competition and difficulty of racing.

All Together Now . . .

From Misc Bike Pics

When I sit down to watch cycling on tv, that's what I want from my commentary booth. They are serious students of the sport, they know its history and the path of the guys on the bikes in front of them. All three all have racing backgrounds. As Rider 1 touched on yesterday, there are things you experience in racing that you simply can't experience anywhere else. These guys get that and it adds something to the best of their commentary.

On the downside, they all seem to have their lips permanently attached to the ass of Lance Armstrong. Lance is a tough subject for people who really love and follow professional cycling. He's an easy subject on the cancer support side and for the casual cyclist, but does that really mean that Phil, Paul and Bob need to mention his name and his greatness every 3 minutes of every broadcast whether L.A. is in that day's race or not? I think not.

Tomorrow, some of the lesser lights at Versus.

Thoughts on the Tour of California

The rest of this week will be devoted to the Tour of California. Yes, I know that it was last week, but just like economists and politicians, I drive much better looking in the rear-view mirror. I have had time to digest my thoughts, distill my suggestions into gems of wisdom and I have thought of 936 people who would add more to the Tour of California coverage than Craig Hummer. But more on that later. In the meantime, in compliance with the terms and conditions of the Blogger Code, I present Random Miscellaneous Musings on the Tour of California:

1 - Fatcyclist got burned badly by the Versus Coverage of the Tour of California. First, he did great liveblogging and he is admired by all, but it is really sad to read his and his wife's reaction to the "Breakaway from Cancer" commercials. No one needs a kick in the gut from a cancer support group while you or your family is dealing with cancer. A little more thought on the next round of commercials, please. Second, Fatty cooked up the idea getting Bob Roll to shave his head if he could get his readers to donate $5,000 to cancer research before the end of the Tour of California. I could have done the same thing except I have no way to get a hold of Bob Roll, or convince him to do such a thing and I have the expectation that our readers would be reluctant to donate 50 cents to anything we suggested. So, I have a lot of respect for this idea and, amazingly, they raised over $8,000 AND Bob Roll shaved his head. That part was great, but they never gave any of the credit to Fatty and his readers for the whole thing. Fatty has been very gracious about it, but it chaps my ass.

2 - Tyler Hamilton. Maybe we can forgive his blood doping and his absurd chimera twin defense, but his hair cannot be forgiven.

3 - Floyd Landis. Please see above comment when next looking at that thing that almost appears to be a goatee growing on your face.

4 - Dave Zabriskie. It's great to see Dave Z going fast again and it's great to see that he shaved off his 70's porn-star mustache. Have you noticed that Dave Z sounds astonishingly like a Muppet?

5 - Do my comments about Bob Roll's hair, Tyler Hamilton's hair, Floyd Landis' facial hair and Dave Zabriskie's facial hair indicate I have a thing about hair. I don't think so, but I should let you know that I have Bob Roll's hairdo and I was not allowed by my parents to fulfill my childhood dream of going to cosmetology school.

6 - George Hincapie. I like George Hincapie a lot and very much want to see him win Paris-Roubaix. Rider 1 knew George as a U-23 rider and says he is both a nice guy and a super-human athlete, but every time he comes on the screen someone calls him "Big George Hincapie." Big George is 6' 3", which I will grant you is tall, but the guy weighs 165 pounds! I have the impression that if I were standing next to Big George, I would ask why no one feeds him. Since when do skeletal humans qualify as "big"?

7 - Astana. Does anyone else think it is funny that a group of Kazakhstan mafia, I mean Kazakhstan industrial companies, have sponsored a team named after the capital of the country and it has become all about Lance? And that Lance takes every opportunity to wear his LiveStrong stuff over his Astana gear?

8 - Who knew it was ever going to possible that we would miss Kirsten Gum as a cycling commentator?

9 - Levi Leipheimer - Remember last year's campaign to "Let Levi Ride"? How about this year's campaign, Let Levi Slide!

From Misc Bike Pics

Picture from Velonews/Casey B. Gibson