(Not Fatcyclist Fake News Service) January 24, 2009
Lance Armstrong Reconsiders Re-Retirement
After the conclusion of the Tour Down Under, Lance Armstrong called a Twitter Conference to answer Press questions and to continue his quest for world domination through Twitter. A transcript follows:
LA – Thank you all for coming today. As you know, I will answer your questions, but I reserve the right to answer verbally or through Twitter or both, so I hope you are all among the 40,000 Twittee followers I have. So, let’s go.
Reporter – Lance, I mean, Mr. Armstrong, I am wondering . . .
LA Twitter – I’m at a press conference and a guy is asking me a question. 1 second ago from TwitterBerry
Reporter – How do you think the Tour Down Under went and how is your racing fitness?
LA – I think it went great. We accomplished everything we set out to do with this race. I brought a lot of attention and fundraising to LiveStrong, I got a really cool bike free from Trek, and I raced exceptionally well for being 37 years old and 3 years since my last professional bike race.
LA Twitter – Didn’t this guy come to any of the other 342 press conferences I held in Australia? 1 second ago from TwitterBerry
Reporter – What race is next on your calendar?
LA – I’m not absolutely sure. Frankly, I’m having some second thoughts.
[A gasp is audible in the crowd – The Trek representative faints.]
Reporter – Can you explain?
LA - Look, bike racing is tough, really tough. I don’t know if you knew this before, but it turns out it is the middle of summer in Australia. I couldn’t help but notice that the beaches are covered with warm sand and hot girls. It occurred to me as I was in yet another break-away this week that this time last year I was a legend, I was drinking margaritas and I had a private jet waiting for me at the airport. That’s all still true except now I’m on a bike trying to stay ahead of 23 year old studs in 100 degree heat.
LA Twitter – Someone remind me to get the jet waxed before we head home. 1 second ago from TwitterBerry
Reporter – Are you saying that you might re-retire?
LA – I don’t know. You know most guys in the racing pack are hoping for a better contract or an endorsement, or they’re training for a big win, but at the end of the day, the best they can possible hope for is to be almost as successful as I am right now, so why should I keep doing this? Do you know how fast those guys go?
LA Twitter – I was just thinking about how fun it was to beat College and Carmichael up every climb, and how much easier it was than anything I did in the last week. 1 second ago from TwitterBerry
Reporter – This is official then? You are retired again?
LA – I’m not saying anything is official. I’m saying that when I want to come ride my bike at a pro-level race, I’ll do it, and when I want to have some Tex-Mex and a brewski with the bro’s, I’m going to do that.
LA Twitter – Someone remind me to order in some Chuy’s. 1 second ago from TwitterBerry
Reporter – Are you concerned that your attitude towards racing may impact your ability to win?
LA – Have you seen me ride my bike?
LA Twitter – Has this guy seen me ride my bike? 1 second ago from TwitterBerry
Reporter – Last question. Are you concerned that Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwin will be forced to discuss other racers if you don’t appear on the start line?
LA – That hasn’t been a problem for the last three years. This should keep them going for the next few. Now, ladies and gentlemen, I’m firing up the jet and going to ride my bike someplace where a 60% effort is enough to put everyone else in a world of hurt. Frankly, it shouldn’t be hard to find.
LA Twitter – Skip the waxing and get that jet fired up. We’re heading out to grab some Tex-Mex and some cycling buddies. 1 second ago from TwitterBerry