Nothing. Absolutely Nothing.
Sorry, I really thought and thought about this, but I've got nothing.
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| From Misc Bike Pics |
Showing posts with label Tour of California. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Tour of California. Show all posts
Friday, February 27, 2009
Things more annoying than Rasika Mathur
As a public service to viewers of the Versus Network, we provide a list of things that are MORE annoying than Rasika Mathur doing interviews during a bike race:
Nothing. Absolutely Nothing.
Sorry, I really thought and thought about this, but I've got nothing.
Photo from Rediff News
Nothing. Absolutely Nothing.
Sorry, I really thought and thought about this, but I've got nothing.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Things more annoying than Craig Hummer
As a public service to viewers of the Versus Network, we provide a list of things that are MORE annoying than listening to Craig Hummer commentate on a bike race alongside Phil Ligget and Paul Sherwen:
Having an English Sparrow drop his coconut, land on your shoulder and peck at your ears while you are incapacitated and unable to make it stop.
Excitedly buying a new porkpie hat to wear to a Henry Rollins spoken-word concert, pulling it directly from the hat box to put on your head and discovering that it was filled with acid that pours down your face.
Getting ready to leave the house in the morning, searching for your glasses, putting them on and being horrified to find as they pierce your eyeballs that someone replaced the lenses with sharp pointy things.
Having a blonde himbo mangle the English language, constantly interrupt more intelligent and more eloquent people and begin screeching in a higher and higher pitch to generate false excitement about virtually nothing at all. Oh, sorry, that is EXACTLY as annoying as Craig Hummer.
Photo from Swimming World Magazine
Having an English Sparrow drop his coconut, land on your shoulder and peck at your ears while you are incapacitated and unable to make it stop.
Excitedly buying a new porkpie hat to wear to a Henry Rollins spoken-word concert, pulling it directly from the hat box to put on your head and discovering that it was filled with acid that pours down your face.
Getting ready to leave the house in the morning, searching for your glasses, putting them on and being horrified to find as they pierce your eyeballs that someone replaced the lenses with sharp pointy things.
Having a blonde himbo mangle the English language, constantly interrupt more intelligent and more eloquent people and begin screeching in a higher and higher pitch to generate false excitement about virtually nothing at all. Oh, sorry, that is EXACTLY as annoying as Craig Hummer.
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| From Misc Bike Pics |
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Dr. Spalm Discusses Craig Hummer
Dr. Spalm - Can you explain to me the decision by the Versus Network to have Craig Hummer join Phil and Paul for the broadcast duties while Bob Roll is limited to short pieces and post-race interviews?
Wanting to Watch, but Not Enjoying it.
Dear WtWbNEi -
No, I don't think that anyone can explain this decision. Some corporate level decisions seem to have no rational basis. As evidence of this, please see the national economy. There are some factors to consider, however.
First, Bob Roll. For those who have been paying attention to Bob Roll for years, we remember his early days as a columnist for VeloNews. His essays were unlike any other writing. Please note that I did not say unlike any other "bicycle" writing. His writings appeared to have been the result of putting a typewriter in front of him after mescaline ingestion. They had a surreal, other-worldy quality and most often required footnotes to explain the various nicknames and Rollesque short-hand. People who write in this fashion usually move on to careers in performance art or coffee pouring. Bob Roll, however, became a cult hero among the cycling literati. This made him a logical addition to the long-time Brits who were the nonpareil of cycling commentating. Why not a little American flavor to spice up the droll Brits? One problem, it was Bob Roll. The man is slightly crazed and he probably got under the skin of Phil and Paul.
Second, Versus TV Executives. Early on during their decision to combine pro bass fishing, bull riding and bicycle racing, someone undoubtedly said, we need a blonde bimbo who looks good in swim suit to sit at the desk with Phil and Paul. Someone who can make the sport understandable for newcomers. They came up with Kirsten Gum. That didn't work so they went the opposite direction - how about a grizzled TV/Sports veteran to sit with the Brits? They came up with Al Trautwig. That didn't work so they went back to their first formula - blonde bimbo who looks good in a swimsuit. Here is what they came up with this time:
Photo from Swimming World Magazine
Clearly the Versus Network is home to group of bull-riding, bass-fishing, bicycle-hating executives. Executives in the derogatory sense of the word.
Thus, in conclusion, Dr. Spalm, as a man of science, cannot explain the illogical and irrational decision to allow Craig Hummer to sully the live broadcast with his excessive and inane prattling, but thank you for asking.
Dr. Spalm
Wanting to Watch, but Not Enjoying it.
Dear WtWbNEi -
No, I don't think that anyone can explain this decision. Some corporate level decisions seem to have no rational basis. As evidence of this, please see the national economy. There are some factors to consider, however.
First, Bob Roll. For those who have been paying attention to Bob Roll for years, we remember his early days as a columnist for VeloNews. His essays were unlike any other writing. Please note that I did not say unlike any other "bicycle" writing. His writings appeared to have been the result of putting a typewriter in front of him after mescaline ingestion. They had a surreal, other-worldy quality and most often required footnotes to explain the various nicknames and Rollesque short-hand. People who write in this fashion usually move on to careers in performance art or coffee pouring. Bob Roll, however, became a cult hero among the cycling literati. This made him a logical addition to the long-time Brits who were the nonpareil of cycling commentating. Why not a little American flavor to spice up the droll Brits? One problem, it was Bob Roll. The man is slightly crazed and he probably got under the skin of Phil and Paul.
Second, Versus TV Executives. Early on during their decision to combine pro bass fishing, bull riding and bicycle racing, someone undoubtedly said, we need a blonde bimbo who looks good in swim suit to sit at the desk with Phil and Paul. Someone who can make the sport understandable for newcomers. They came up with Kirsten Gum. That didn't work so they went the opposite direction - how about a grizzled TV/Sports veteran to sit with the Brits? They came up with Al Trautwig. That didn't work so they went back to their first formula - blonde bimbo who looks good in a swimsuit. Here is what they came up with this time:
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| From Misc Bike Pics |
Clearly the Versus Network is home to group of bull-riding, bass-fishing, bicycle-hating executives. Executives in the derogatory sense of the word.
Thus, in conclusion, Dr. Spalm, as a man of science, cannot explain the illogical and irrational decision to allow Craig Hummer to sully the live broadcast with his excessive and inane prattling, but thank you for asking.
Dr. Spalm
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Thoughts on the Tour of California
The rest of this week will be devoted to the Tour of California. Yes, I know that it was last week, but just like economists and politicians, I drive much better looking in the rear-view mirror. I have had time to digest my thoughts, distill my suggestions into gems of wisdom and I have thought of 936 people who would add more to the Tour of California coverage than Craig Hummer. But more on that later. In the meantime, in compliance with the terms and conditions of the Blogger Code, I present Random Miscellaneous Musings on the Tour of California:
1 - Fatcyclist got burned badly by the Versus Coverage of the Tour of California. First, he did great liveblogging and he is admired by all, but it is really sad to read his and his wife's reaction to the "Breakaway from Cancer" commercials. No one needs a kick in the gut from a cancer support group while you or your family is dealing with cancer. A little more thought on the next round of commercials, please. Second, Fatty cooked up the idea getting Bob Roll to shave his head if he could get his readers to donate $5,000 to cancer research before the end of the Tour of California. I could have done the same thing except I have no way to get a hold of Bob Roll, or convince him to do such a thing and I have the expectation that our readers would be reluctant to donate 50 cents to anything we suggested. So, I have a lot of respect for this idea and, amazingly, they raised over $8,000 AND Bob Roll shaved his head. That part was great, but they never gave any of the credit to Fatty and his readers for the whole thing. Fatty has been very gracious about it, but it chaps my ass.
2 - Tyler Hamilton. Maybe we can forgive his blood doping and his absurd chimera twin defense, but his hair cannot be forgiven.
3 - Floyd Landis. Please see above comment when next looking at that thing that almost appears to be a goatee growing on your face.
4 - Dave Zabriskie. It's great to see Dave Z going fast again and it's great to see that he shaved off his 70's porn-star mustache. Have you noticed that Dave Z sounds astonishingly like a Muppet?
5 - Do my comments about Bob Roll's hair, Tyler Hamilton's hair, Floyd Landis' facial hair and Dave Zabriskie's facial hair indicate I have a thing about hair. I don't think so, but I should let you know that I have Bob Roll's hairdo and I was not allowed by my parents to fulfill my childhood dream of going to cosmetology school.
6 - George Hincapie. I like George Hincapie a lot and very much want to see him win Paris-Roubaix. Rider 1 knew George as a U-23 rider and says he is both a nice guy and a super-human athlete, but every time he comes on the screen someone calls him "Big George Hincapie." Big George is 6' 3", which I will grant you is tall, but the guy weighs 165 pounds! I have the impression that if I were standing next to Big George, I would ask why no one feeds him. Since when do skeletal humans qualify as "big"?
7 - Astana. Does anyone else think it is funny that a group of Kazakhstan mafia, I mean Kazakhstan industrial companies, have sponsored a team named after the capital of the country and it has become all about Lance? And that Lance takes every opportunity to wear his LiveStrong stuff over his Astana gear?
8 - Who knew it was ever going to possible that we would miss Kirsten Gum as a cycling commentator?
9 - Levi Leipheimer - Remember last year's campaign to "Let Levi Ride"? How about this year's campaign, Let Levi Slide!
Picture from Velonews/Casey B. Gibson
1 - Fatcyclist got burned badly by the Versus Coverage of the Tour of California. First, he did great liveblogging and he is admired by all, but it is really sad to read his and his wife's reaction to the "Breakaway from Cancer" commercials. No one needs a kick in the gut from a cancer support group while you or your family is dealing with cancer. A little more thought on the next round of commercials, please. Second, Fatty cooked up the idea getting Bob Roll to shave his head if he could get his readers to donate $5,000 to cancer research before the end of the Tour of California. I could have done the same thing except I have no way to get a hold of Bob Roll, or convince him to do such a thing and I have the expectation that our readers would be reluctant to donate 50 cents to anything we suggested. So, I have a lot of respect for this idea and, amazingly, they raised over $8,000 AND Bob Roll shaved his head. That part was great, but they never gave any of the credit to Fatty and his readers for the whole thing. Fatty has been very gracious about it, but it chaps my ass.
2 - Tyler Hamilton. Maybe we can forgive his blood doping and his absurd chimera twin defense, but his hair cannot be forgiven.
3 - Floyd Landis. Please see above comment when next looking at that thing that almost appears to be a goatee growing on your face.
4 - Dave Zabriskie. It's great to see Dave Z going fast again and it's great to see that he shaved off his 70's porn-star mustache. Have you noticed that Dave Z sounds astonishingly like a Muppet?
5 - Do my comments about Bob Roll's hair, Tyler Hamilton's hair, Floyd Landis' facial hair and Dave Zabriskie's facial hair indicate I have a thing about hair. I don't think so, but I should let you know that I have Bob Roll's hairdo and I was not allowed by my parents to fulfill my childhood dream of going to cosmetology school.
6 - George Hincapie. I like George Hincapie a lot and very much want to see him win Paris-Roubaix. Rider 1 knew George as a U-23 rider and says he is both a nice guy and a super-human athlete, but every time he comes on the screen someone calls him "Big George Hincapie." Big George is 6' 3", which I will grant you is tall, but the guy weighs 165 pounds! I have the impression that if I were standing next to Big George, I would ask why no one feeds him. Since when do skeletal humans qualify as "big"?
7 - Astana. Does anyone else think it is funny that a group of Kazakhstan mafia, I mean Kazakhstan industrial companies, have sponsored a team named after the capital of the country and it has become all about Lance? And that Lance takes every opportunity to wear his LiveStrong stuff over his Astana gear?
8 - Who knew it was ever going to possible that we would miss Kirsten Gum as a cycling commentator?
9 - Levi Leipheimer - Remember last year's campaign to "Let Levi Ride"? How about this year's campaign, Let Levi Slide!
 |
| From Misc Bike Pics |
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