Friday, September 17, 2010

And Now For Something Completely Different! HA!

I got the following e-mail today:

From: Mrs. Glenda Roberts.
Address: Kuala Lumpur, 50784, Malaysia.


I am Mrs.Glenda Roberts, suffering from cancerous ailment. I was married to Sir Bob Roberts an English shipping tycoon notable for his great charitable activities before his death in April 2nd, 2006. When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of Thirty Million US Dollars ($30,000,000.00 USD) which were derived from his vast estates and investment in capital market with his bank here in Malaysia and named me as the beneficiary of this trust fund. (All records are kept with our family lawyer).

Presently, this money is still with at the Bank. My Doctor told me recently, that I have limited days to live due to the cancerous problems that I have been suffering from. Though what bothers me most is the stroke that I have in addition with the cancer. This hard reality that has befallen me, I have decided to donate this fund to you and i want you to use this gift which comes from my Late husbands effort to establish a charity home for the upkeep of widows, widowers, orphans, destitute, the down-trodden, physically challenged children, barren-women and persons who prove to be genuinely handicapped financially. I took this decision because I do not have any child that will inherit this money and my husband relatives are bourgeois and very wealthy persons and I do not want my husband hard earned money to be misused or invested into ill perceived ventures, which is the reason i took this bold decision. I do not need any telephone communication in this regard due to my deteriorating health and because of the presence of my late husband relatives around me.

Please I want you to contact me through my personal email address:

Please assure me that you will act just as I have stated.

Hope to hear from you soon,
Remain Blessed,
Glenda Roberts.

It touched me so much, that this old lady with cancerous ailments and a stroke had reached out to me to get help, that I felt compelled to dash off the following response:

Dear Mrs. Glenda Roberts – I am so glad that your e-mail reached me and that you were not forced to deal with your husband’s bourgeois and very wealthy relatives. I am, unfortunately, somewhat bourgeois, just because of my parents, but I assure you that I am not wealthy at all, so you can rest assured that you have reached out to the right person. It is also quite convenient that you do not require telephone communications, because I can’t make out-going calls on my cell phone. I am living in my parent’s basement (totally temporary!) and they won’t let me use their telephone at all anymore (LONG story! HA!). Sometimes I sneak up and use the kitchen phone to order a pizza because Dideo’s Pizza cut off my cell phone number from orders after I prank called an order for 19 pizzas to my old high school chemistry teacher’s house. I had a buddy who used to work there and I know they have a company policy where if you order 20 pizzas then they verify the order or get a credit card so I totally got Mr. Wankerhead (not really my chemistry teacher’s real name, but that is what we called him behind his back). I don’t want you to worry though that I would spend part of your husband’s $30,000,000 on pizzas just for me and my buds though (Or even for Mr. Wankerhead! Ha, like I would ever by HIM a pizza). No, I assure you that if I was going to spend part of that $30,000,000 on pizza, I would definitely share it with some destitute or down-trodden people. In fact, I know some destitute and down-trodden people and I could invite them over tonight, so if you could e-mail me a credit card number I could get started distributing that money like right away.

I do have a couple of questions though. Like, that thing about “barren-women.” Is that women who are old and ugly, or just like women who can’t have kids, because I don’t really like spending time with old and ugly people, women or men (HA!), but I could totally get into the idea of “spending time” with women who can’t get pregnant, if you know what I mean. I mean, not like that, but . . . okay, maybe we should focus on some of the other categories of people I could help.

The other thing that is totally cool about this is that you have avoided going to any of those greedy charities that pretend to take care of women and children. Probably most of those are really just big offices with fat cats collecting checks to pay for their private planes so they can go around the country asking for more money that they then just spend on themselves and their private planes. I have heard that is mostly what charities do. This way we are totally cutting out that middle man and we can just get the money directly to the down-trodden and barren people of the world. Of course, I might have a few expenses, but they would be totally appropriate. Like, I really need a new car and I think I should get something big enough to hold a bunch of down-trodden and barren people, so an Escalade or a Hummer might be a good idea. And it would need to be totally tight with a killer sound system and low profile tires so those down-trodden and barren folks would totally know that we care about them. We could even use it for taking physically challenged children to the fair and stuff, or even doctor’s appointments. That would be rad.

So now just let me know what we need to do to get this party started. I mean, like an expression, not like a real party. Also, would it be okay if I pay myself a salary to do all this work. That seems totally fair and l think it’s what your husband would have wanted. I don’t think he would want me showing up in my old clothes and with no money and trying to help people (HA! Like I was Jesus or something!), so it would be better if I had some new threads and some cash, so it would be uplifting for all those widows and widowers that even though their spouses were dead we were still here to take care of them, sport them some food (no cat food for you tonight grandma!) and then they would know that life was good outside of their nursing homes or whatever.

Anyway, it is so cool that we are hooking up like this and doing so much good in the world. I will wait for your e-mail, since I know how much old ladies dying of cancerous ailments and problems and strokes and stuff are totally into computers and e-mail so let me know what you need. I’m sure there will be some expenses, like for your family lawyer and the trust fund is probably locked-up so you can’t pay them, so I will need to come up with some cash or credit cards or something, but just let me know. I can give you my bank account number and routing number and whatever to get started. If it is too much money, I might need to ask my folks for some cash or I also just got an e-mail from this Nigerian Prince who has some money that he needs to get into this country, so maybe I can use some of that to help you out and get this charity stuff going.

Whatever it takes Mrs. Glenda Roberts, I am totally down with it! This was our lucky day!

Rider Three

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