Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Texas Tail Wind Post about Jens Voigt

If you followed today's stage, and honestly, everyone did, right?, then you saw the Hard Man of Hard Men suffering like a beast to help his team-mate. There can only be one guy at the top of the list of Hard Men and that guy is Jens Voigt. Now sure, you can make an argument for George Hincapie, and I heartily agree his a Hard Man, but none top the ability to turn himself inside out, the ability to work for the good of the team no matter what the circumstance and the reality of almost always sacrificing his own chances at glory for the good of others the way that Jens does.

A guy named Ben Cooper has a blog at texastailwind.wordpress.com. I don't know anything about Ben Cooper or his blog, but I do know that he put together a very funny list of "facts" about Jens Voigt. So, thanks to Ben and next time you think "WWJD?", you will know some of the answers to "What Would Jens Do?"

From Little Known Facts about Jens Voigt: For those of you who might not know Jens Voigt — he is arguably the toughest of strongmen of the peloton, known for his long, often successful solo breakaways, yet another of which, at age 36, attacking with 36 km to go, he pulled off the other day to win a stage of the Giro, dropping the likes of world champ Paolo Bettini and Italian superstar Daniele Bennati. He’s also unfailingly cheerful and friendly off the bike, perhaps the most well-liked member of the peloton.

Jens Voigt doesn’t read books. He simply attacks until the books relent and tell him everything he wants to know.

Waldo can’t be found because Jens dropped him on a hill training ride… on K2.

Jens doesn’t spin or mash the pedals… he kicks them into submission.

Jens Voigt puts the “laughter” in “Manslaughter.”

Jens Voigt climbs so well for a big guy because he doesn’t actually climb hills; the hills slink into the earth in fear as they see him approach.

If you are a UCI ProTour rider and you Google “Jens Voigt,” the only result you get is “it’s not to late to take up kickball, Fred.”

Jens was a math prodigy in elementary school, putting “Attack!” in every blank space on all his tests. It would be the wrong answer for everybody else, but Jens is able to solve any problem by attacking.

Jens’ testicles are bald because hair does not grow on a mixture of titanium, brass, steel, and cold, hard granite.

Eddy Merckx was actually a neo-pro at the same time as Jens, but Jens dropped him so hard that he shot backwards in time to the 1960′s, where he became a great champion.

Jens once had a heart attack on the Tourmalet. Jens counterattacked repeatedly until he kicked its ass.

Jack was nimble, Jack was quick… and Jens still drove him to quit racing bikes and become an ice dancing commentator on Lifetime.

If Jens Voigt was a country, his principle exports would be Pain, Suffering, and Agony.

If Jens Voigt was a planet, he’d be the World of Hurt.

Jens Voigt doesn’t know where you live, but he knows exactly where you will die.

Jens Voigt doesn’t have a shadow because he dropped it repeatedly until it retired, climbing into the CSC team car and claiming a stomach ailment.

Jens Voigt once challenged Lance Armstrong to a “who has more testicles” contest. Jens won… by five.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jens Voigt jumps out and attacks.

You are what you eat. Jens Voigt eats spring steel for breakfast, fire for lunch, and a mixture of titanium and carbon fiber for dinner. For between-meal snacks he eats men’s souls, and downs it with a tall cool glass of The Milk of Human Suffering.

Jens Voigt believes it’s not butter.

Jens Voigt can eat just one.

The first time man split the atom was when the atom tried to hold Jens Voigt’s wheel, but cracked.

Jens Voigt doesn’t complain about what suffering does to him… but suffering constantly complains about getting picked on by Jens Voigt.

Jens Voigt can start a fire by rubbing two mud puddles together.

Guns kill a couple dozen people every day. Jens Voigt kills 150.

Jens’s tears are so tough they could be the world heavyweight mixed-martial arts champion. Too bad Jens never cries.

Jens Voigt rides so fast during attacks, that he could circle the globe, hold his own wheel, and ride in his own draft. At least as long as he didn’t try to drop himself.

Jens Voigt nullified the periodic table because he doesn’t believe in any element, other than the element of surprise.

The grass is always greener on the other side. Unless Jens Voigt has been riding on the other side in which case it’s white with the salty, dried tears of all the riders whose souls he has crushed.

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